A Closer Look at Rob Base’s World

Though the Beasties' MCA is known for strapping on ear goggles, I put on some protective eyewear to tackle the Curious Case of Rob Base.

Many people have been gloriously clued into the wisdom of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. It makes perfect sense, really, that for things to go right two is better than one. Does Rob do it alone? Nope. Even he’s got back up (EZ Rock) and he acknowledges that as one should.

That diaper-wearing astronaut may have been more successful if she’d had a little back up, you dig?

This dynamic of two is especially important for making something out of sight.

But we can’t just focus on the central lesson of “It Takes Two.” Rob Base is a more complicated being than that. In fact, he’s quite grim, talking as much as he does about weariness (and inflicting it), dissin’, and not caring.

Lord. He even invites a lewd act upon an iconic corporate cheeseburger.

In truth, I think he cares if we hear his message, but, perhaps uncomfortable in his own persona, he disguises his feelings with plenty of misdirection. In order to find my way to the center of Mr. Base, I’ve dissected “It Takes Two” and divided its proclamations and seemingly rambling notes into the categories of Simple Facts, Desires, Likes, Dislikes, Boasts, Brutal Honesty, and Commands.

Hit it!

Simple Facts
1. Will neither “fess” nor wear a bulletproof vest
2. Rob’s up front, EZ Rock has back up
3. Rocks the mic with the help of EZ Rock

Desires
1. Rocking (right now)
2. Wants to share with you his idea
3. You to comprehend
4. Ducats
5. You to listen to his mission-oriented rhymes

Likes
1. Getting down
2. The kids--the guys, the girls
3. The Whopper

Dislikes
1. Communicable diseases and other contagious ailments
2. Smokin’ Buddha
3. Sess (huh? I just know he “can’t stand” it)
4. Dirty shirts (See Commands list)
5. The Big Mac (which he invites you to fuck)

Boasts
1. Known to rock the microphone
2. Gets stupid (by which he means outrageous)
3. He’s the winner (not the loser)
4. He chose to be an MC
5. Ladies love him, girls adore him (even the ones who have never seen him)
6. They (ladies and girls) like the way he rhymes at shows
7. Got a real funky concept
8. Will keep you (the listener) in step
9. Is bilingual (“number one, the uno”)
10. Will stomp all suckers
11. Puts you (the listener / follower) in rapture
12. Is a slick brother who can easily outfox you
13. Is “known to be” freshest on the mic (though provides no primary sources in support of this claim; only his own vocal performance)
14. Starting (I’m not sure what) shouldn’t be too hard
15. As he’s not a sucker, he does not need a bodyguard
16. Is the leader, aka “the man superior”
17. His rhymes are not counterfeit
18. Record sales make this song a hit
19. Listening to Red Alert won’t hurt you
20. Is the one who knows about things that make you weary
21. Has clout
22. Will turn out the party
23. Won’t stutter
24. Will speak clearly
25. Neither Rob Base nor EZ Rock is soft
26. Is cool and calm “just like a breeze”

Brutal Honesty
1. Not internationally known
2. Does not know why ladies and girls like him and his rhymes so much
3. Doesn’t care if you like his idea
4. Though bold and black he won't protect all his followers
5. Wants only respect
6. Is not a doctor
7. Is reluctant to lend rhymes not just to foes but even good friends because he’s “kindy stingy”
8. Though he’ll take care of you, you’ll get wearier
9. He’s all about dissin’
10. Not afraid to stand alone
11. Doesn’t need anyone
12. Just came to have fun
13. Doesn’t need friends who act like foes
14. Has an ego, bro

Commands
1. Take off your shirt but take care not to let it come in contact with the dirt
2. Don’t cheer him, just hear him out, dammit
3. Shout “Ho!”
4. Go to the Wiz, select his record, and take it off the rack but put it back, by all means, if you think it’s wack
5. Throw up your hands and go for what you know
6. Slack up (if you think either Rob Base or EZ Rock is soft)
7. Get busy (Note: This command is only for EZ Rock and is to be executed when Rob counts to three)

-cK