torsdag, oktober 05, 2006

You Can't Take It With You

It’s never too early to prepare, or so the saying goes. I hate plans. But as these last few months queue up for the 2006 exit and we shuffle through to 2007, I'm going to recommend that we leave some things in the rubish bin. Today's recommendations:

For the Ladies

Face-swallowing sunglasses. Foremost, only babies and children under 4 can pull off an acceptable level of arrogance beneath over-sized shades, and they can do this because they have no clue how arrogant they look. In the adult population, giant sunglasses make way too many noses look like little, creepy, Michael Jackson noses. Vanity surgery is not cool. Ever. Not even when it's successful. Plus, sunglasses as big as your face aren’t even porn sexy. So let’s just chalk this up to one of those things we’ll laugh about in photos down the line and move on. Victoria Beckham, your help would be appreciated. Real Madrid, you might help by dumping David Beckham so that the New York Redbulls can acquire him. Them Becks could use a little American tempering, and we could use a bit of their outlandish UK style (save for the shades), because right now all we’ve got are those obnoxiously omnipresent Revlon commercials.

For the Fellas

Unchecked micturation. Peeing on the floor, the toilet seat, the inside of the toilet lid, the toilet rim, etc.: this must stop. If it involves urine and you didn’t leave it in the bowl—this includes splatter—clean it up, you dirty bastards. Really. Or just take a seat. Want to know who isn't in compliance? Put on some gloves. Look beneath the toilet seat. If you see orange or yellow spots, that's dried, bacteria-laden urine. I'm not much of a germ freak, but by this point in both our lives and our evolutionary history, we ought to know enough not to live in our own filth. And I'd appreciate it if the military would turn some of their drone planes loose on the domestic population and bomb all trucks with Pissing Calvin decals.

I'm just sayin'.
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